We broke up yet again. i know i m a toad n my own sob-story is getting a little stale with the amount of quarrels we have. but i m miserable. really really miserable. yet i dunno if i m MORE miserable in a relationship which the guy demand more than i can give.
i dun c the reason for quarrelling over such a small thing... can't i hv frenz n a bf? y is it tt i always hv to choose btw the two? he say i dun gif him priority... think of all the wks i go out wif him, n the amt of times i actually go out wif my frenz. certainly he can see the ratio? bt no, when i told him i really can't, he choose to scold. he say he din't scold, din't want to find quarrel... it's almost like a butcher saying he nv tk life before. i told him before there are times i m out wif frenz or even at home, i din't want to answer his call coz i m sick of quarrelling. i m REALLY REALLY sick of quarrelling le.
how can he ask me if i see a future in us anymore when everythings seems so dim? i can't imagine myself being caged still at the age of 50, dying wifout a fren. tatz wat he wan isn't it? less social life, rot at home, do nothing, wasting life away. i feel so handicapped. i feel so lousy. i feel terrible. letting go seems so hard, n yet y i m holding on? suddenly i tink of Laopo's words when i ask y din't she leave tt guy... she loves him. i kn i love him, bt is misery one of the fundamental element of love? A course of love never runs smooth... certainly... from everyone so far... it's so true. maybe i deserve it coz i m not a gd person either.
**** back from meeting Xiao Xiaoqie's KTV session***
celebrated Elaine's bday belatedly. even cancelled dinner wif parents to meet them. I know i shouldn't party at times like this, bt i feel bad rotting at home. just like i was actually supposed to be meeting my parents now... the prob is... i hate myself for feeling LESS moody than wat i actually should. afterall, i've just ended a relationship of 2 yrs n 7 mths... shouldn't i feel sadder than wat i actually m? so gave a call to mum wishing her happy bday n told her i still partying wif frenz n will make up for her tmr. tink she knows i not feeling good, so she said ok.
now i regret nt staying for the last one hr wif elaine. bt den again, i dun really wan to party... i wan to get over everything n start off a new life. Singing the songs we sang just on wednesday is torturous. really really torturous. tried my best to look hyper le. this is the first time i feel such determination. everyone tells me everything is gg to be fine btw us, bt honestly... DO I WANT IT TO BE FINE? tatz the whole prob. i dun even know wat i wan, how can i expect him to know wat i wan rite? I know i m evil to end off... it's nt just ystd... it's well... everything. i dun wanna say anymore. thanks to the 2 who listened to me whine n whine.